October 31
Tomorrow’s game against Cortland will be our “Senior Day,” where the other seniors and I will play our final home game at Vassar. Our class started with ten players but that number has dropped down to six going into what will be our final game together unless we win and get selected for the ECAC tournament.
Kevin Goldberg, in his second year as captain, has been a four-year starter for us. He originally played outside back and defensive center-midfield, but has started the last two seasons at center back. His importance to our back-line has been greatly underestimated as he rarely stands out in games, but this is because he never makes mistakes at the back. Kevin has not yet been selected for the All-Liberty League team but if he does not get picked this year it will be a huge oversight by the other Liberty League coaches.
Our other captain is Danny Kadishson, who has played all over the field for us, beginning as a winger, then starting last season as a defensive center-midfielder, then moving to outside back this year before starting at center back in our last game against New Paltz. Danny has been hampered by injuries this season but has still provided the energy and tough, physical play that this team sorely needed at times.
Jason Cetel was our starting goalkeeper since we arrived here at Vassar. Though he was beaten out for the number one job this season by junior Jake London (who worked extremely hard all year to put himself in that position), he leaves Vassar on the all-time records lists in multiple goalkeeping categories. His biggest strength has been his acrobatic saves, which have kept us in many big games over the past four years (such as a 1-1 draw with Merchant Marine when we were freshmen, and 1-1 and 0-0 draws with Liberty League powerhouses Hobart and Union last year).
Jon Hootnick has been our top striker this year, and has been playing up top since freshmen year. In past years, he was a very complete player who just couldn’t translate his ability into goals. That has changed dramatically this season, as he is currently tied for second in the Liberty League with 8 goals. A strong, fast striker, Jon has been a good target man this season which has allowed us to run our offense through him.
Matt Belli has been a wild-card player for us over the past four years, a guy who can line up in almost any position on the field and routinely switches around between outside back, center midfield, and wing, often within the same game. He is lightning quick and has the rare ability to control the ball at speed, making him one of the most difficult players in the league to mark. He also has a cannon long-range shot, and has scored multiple goals from 40+ yards out over his career, while also tallying two Liberty League goals this season.
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Jimmy, you forgot to do a description of the team's most important player: yourself! Don't worry though, I've taken it upon myself to write a brief blurb for you.
Commissioner James S. McCumber (also known as Jimbo, Jimbalaya, Cucumber, McLovin, or affectionately, McFu**face), is a Pisces from Holliston, MA, and has been a revelation for the Brewers in his four years. While he has largely served as a backup goalie during his time here, that description does not nearly do justice to his incredible on and off field achievements. I’m at a loss for where to even begin.
I guess the first thing to say about Jimmy is his selflessness. While his feats of self-gratification off the field are legendary (Dublin International Airport has recently christened one of their bathrooms “the Jimmy McCumber Room”), on the field, there has never been a more team-oriented player. He has almost single-handedly funded the team this year through his excessive fines in Kangaroo Court (his offenses include, but are not limited to: indecent exposure, prostitution, sodomy, and bestiality). During matches, while most subs simply sit silently on the bench, Jimmy has, in his infinite generosity, taken it upon himself to function as the team megaphone: he has become the voice of Vassar Soccer. He can often be heard yelling kind words of encouragement to his teammates, or more often, a deafening stream of expletives to referees. Officials quake in his presence. It is rumored, Whitney Starkovich, the official who missed an egregious penalty call in their game against RPI, feared for his life after the game, and has since entered the Witness Protection Program.
In terms of pure soccer ability, few can match Jimbo on the pitch. He has been compared to both Kevin Garnett, for his freakish athleticism, and Tom Brady, for his unshakable poise (and boyish good looks). During practice, it is quite common for players on the team to be play a game called “the crossbar challenge.” The object of this game is to hit the crossbar with a shot. The game requires an incredible amount of skill, and it is quite rare that someone actually does succeed, except, of course, if one of the players is Jimmy. No one challenges him anymore, and it has gotten to the point where Jimmy attempts “the crossbar challenge” in our matches. Twice he has succeeded (Mt. St. Mary his freshman year, and this year against Green Mountain College).
He also became the first goalkeeper in Vassar history to win the team’s annual 5v5 tournament, and thus, the bing-bing. His indefatigable defense between the pipes during group play was reminiscent of a young Richard Seymour. After the round robin tournament had concluded, Jimbo found himself in a 3-way tie for 1st place with Worboys, and a certain Guatemalteca. The winner was to be decided through a penalty kick shoot-out. The feisty Guatemalteca was knocked out early on, which left Jimmy pitted in a fierce battle against Worboys. After nearly ten rounds, the keeper saved Worboy’s effort, which meant that if Jimmy could score his next shot, he would win the tournament. Channeling the composure of Adam Vinatieri in Super Bowl XXXVIII, Jimmy stepped up to the spot and coolly tucked the ball into the back of the net. It was an orgasmic moment. As was the sight of Jimmy in the locker room afterwards, wearing only skin-tight black silk boxers and the bing-bing.
Suck a D*** McCumber,
B.
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